For four years loneliness was a loyal companion of mine, an unavoidable and painful experience, made worse by my homesick heart. Back in college being alone was what defined my days. In Cebu, I practically took care of myself, ate alone, and lived alone. Whenever I feel like being anti-social I could just be quiet in the house. Withdrawn. Hermitic. Anytime I could choose to be reclusive and be still before the Lord, away from the bustle of people and many activities.
Here and now is a completely different story. The laughter of my family rings from my waking moment and conversations with them end my day. There’s no way of feeling alone, because you never are. I am pampered and stuffed with all of my needs and wants. Everything is convenient here in Manila. The consumerist culture approves of your shopping sprees. You are bombarded with invitations to socialize and the entertainment industry aggressively rallies against mankind’s lonesome state. You’re never lonely. And that’s the saddest part about it.
Today as I examined myself, I learned that I have many props in my heart that try to bury the painful reality of loneliness. I have overlooked a major void in my spirit because of the many diversions all around. I wasn’t confronted with the real state of my soul because I was never without company; my mind was cluttered with social events, places and people, all the time. But when the laughter of friends are heard no more, when your family’s affections are withdrawn, then before you is the true condition of your heart- empty, dull and painfully sad. Even the highest form of amusement or pleasure this world could give can never pacify this inner gnawing.
As I sat on my bed today, I heard the cry of my lonely heart. This was so reminiscent of the times when I was sixteen in my dormitory and I had no one but God (Psalm 27:10). Just like then, loneliness lead me to desperation, a longing for real companionship- one that takes the ache away -all of that, I found in Jesus. Like what Tozer said, “it is the very loneliness that throws us back upon God.” There is a divine purpose for why we feel sorrow in this side of eternity. He desires to fill in that massive void in our very soul.
The more that I lingered on the pain of loneliness, I became an empty vessel that yearned to be filled by Christ and no one else. My capacity was enlarged when all of the sand in my heart was removed. Loneliness ushered me unto His feet. Suddenly things that used to matter didn’t matter anymore. All I knew is that before me was the embodiment of what meant the whole world to me- JESUS. The pull of the world, the desires of the flesh, the call of legitimate pleasures were all silenced by His glorious presence, for His love is better than wine! (Songs 1:2) There is absolutely no replacement for that sweet fellowship I have with the Lord, I have found the best friend in Him (John15:15). He takes my cold heart and sets it on fire, burning with a desire for Him.
At the end of the day, loneliness is what ushers us into deeper longings that demand no less than God. May we never become frantic to rid ourselves of loneliness, and try to anesthetize our innate human craving with society’s buzz. In the midst of our sadness we can find genuine happiness in Him. As we read His word and have it settled in our hearts, we find unspeakable joy (Psalm 119:111). Our Creator is the only one who could fascinate our weary hearts. He is more intimate than a lover and in His presence is joy unspeakable. Just one gaze from the living God could set us on fire, His voice causes the floodgates of heaven to water our parched hearts, the warmth of His embrace is the ecstasy mankind has been looking for.
psalm 30:11,12
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